golfrewind.com

For the handyman and his long-suffering wife who listens to his cussin' and binds up his wounds...

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it againstthat freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.


Wire strippers: Device used to strip the insulating coating off a wire, while also snipping the conductor off because the user never picks the right size cutout.

Wire cutters: Device used to gingerly cut the insulating coating when the user can't find his strippers, or desires to keep the conductor intact.

Multimeter: A device designed to make the user appear as if he knows what he is doing, just prior to him shocking the bejesus out of himself and/or shorting a $25,000 component.

Soldering iron: Device for melting solder and slinging it all around, but rarely -on-, the desired connection.

Belt sander: Useful for throwing unsecured wood across your shop, or into your groin.

Combo Belt and Disc Sander, Floor-Mounted. : Can reduce beautiful Curve, on the bottom of the twinned-for-sanding Rockers for a Hobby-Horse, to a linked-set of flat-spots, with annoying-speed! Also useful for making-sure that the nice, straight and flat, matching-edges of a laminating Project have lots of pretty glue-only spots.

Stationary Planer: An excellent machine for teaching safety around machines, and the use of the 'Push-Stick'.

Ratchet: Device designed to remove the unwanted skin from your knuckles.

Laser leveler: Designed to drive cats crazy by making them chase the little red dot across the floor.

ORANGE SAFETY VEST: A device worn by humans
which works on cars and airplanes in much the
same way chum works on sharks.

WOOD SAW: Cunning device for turning the right-angle edges of wooden boards into splintered messes anywhere there isn't a protective pencil mark.

SASH CLAMPS: Devices commonly used for testing the effectiveness of steel-toecaps or the skill of the local Casualty department's foot repair unit.

WOOD CHISEL: Used for opening tins of paint while simultaniously inflicting slices on people's hands.

Leatherman tool(s): Useful for destroying things/hurting yourself when everyone assumed you could otherwise be left alone for a few moments since they didn't see you with any tools.

Table saw: A tool for converting wood into sawdust and kindling with optional blood. Optionally, a flat surface on which to store works in progress.

Router: Not really sure what it does, but it makes it look like the shop owner feel more like a real woodworker.

Sawzall: Sometimes called reciprocating saw by those who wish to respect Milwaukee Tools' copyright, this is a motorized saw that, as advertised, will cut anything. This includes the ceiling where you're just going to put that new can light, the sewer pipe for the upstairs bath that's in the ceiling, and the plastic tarp you put over the hardwood floor to catch dust.

Conduit bender: Specialty tool used for turning pipe into artfully shaped scrap metal. Also useful as a club or crutch.

Shop Vac: A good way to hide the evidence, and any small tools or small key parts.

Duct Tape: What to grab when everything else has failed.

Lathe: a cunning device designed to hurl a piece of wood across the shop at 150mph.

Sharpening guide: a device designed to separate shopworkers from money in a painless process.

Japanese water stone: a device to sharpen edged tools, also designed to be dropped and broken. See also: Sharpening guide.

Chisel; gouge: a cutting tool used by woodworkers, also, a tool designed for the financial support of the local emergency department.

Machinist's Combination Square: a precision tool for marking various workpieces, frequently used by a small child for a hammer.

Reed-Prince screwdriver: a cleverly designed tool used to wallow out a Phillips head screw.

Tool box: a hollow, rectangular object used to collect shop dust. Occasionally used to store tools.

Skil-saw (aka circular saw): a portable device designed to cut wood, sawhorses, fingers, thighs and power cords. See also: Chisels; gouges.

Precision straight edge: used for marking lines on work. Also used by small boys as a sword or claymore, resulting in the shopworker requiring heavier medication levels. Also used to place oil stains on expensive fabric.

Badger-hair brush: used by finishers for the smooth application of various varnishes and shellacs. Often used by children as a glue brush

Wow, very comprehensive listing there...LOL

When i found this, i thought of my dad and the flashbacks of him trying to fix our old beat up station wagon every other month right before it was donated.

Oh yes, the old station wagons, I'm one of 9 kids and I have quite a few recollections of station wagons...LOL