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I used to know a girl who used a mudpack to improve her face. It used to always improve her appearance, but then after a few days it would fall off.

I'd like to 2nd that sentiment, valeogut. My son even laughed at the "bear pause" one... it usually takes some sort of pain or bodily fluids to get a laugh out of him. You really ought to share that "Rocky" link though, C-B-C... I couldn't bring it up at home. I think most here would greatly enjoy it , although your "classy humorist" reputation might take a hit.

Waz, I`d LOVE to post the `rocky rampage` link onto this page, it`s content is harmless enough but some of it`s neighbouring content would...lets say...not make it pass the mods . I p.m`d a couple of people it here today it`s a shame, because it`s the funniest email I`ve ever seen (and it`ll be deleted Friday evening) and just wish I had the courage to do what the `rocky` actor does.
Anyhow, here`s another joke.

While out walking in the country a man comes across a hole. Curious, he finds a pebble and tosses it into the hole. He hears no sound, so picks up a slightly bigger one and throws that into the darkness. Again, he hears no sound. He picks up an even bigger rock and throws it into the blackness. Again, he hears only silence. Looking around for something really big to throw into this apparently bottomless pit , he finds a huge boulder and hurls it into the hole.
As he is kneeling at the side of the hole waiting for some sound, a goat comes charging down the road towards him. He manages to scramble out of the way in the nick of time, and the goat falls into the black hole.
A few moments later, a farmer comes across the hill and approaches the man.
" Have you seen a goat around here?" the farmer asks, and the man, somewhat embaressed that the goat has fallen down the hole while he was right next to it answers that he hasn`t.
"That`s odd" says the farmer " It must be around here somewhere, because I left it tied to an enormous boulder."

You'll be hearing from PETA about that one!

BTW You've raised my curiosity about the Rocky thing.

While walking down the street one day a man notices that a fellow pedestrian has a small orange instead of a head, but with a tiny pair of eyes and a tiny mouth. Somewhat pertubed by this strange sight, he asks the man with an orange for a head how he came to have a fruit in place of a normal head.
" Well " orange-head says " I found this lamp in the attic, and when I polished it a genie appeared. He granted me three wishes. First, I wished for $20 million"
"And did you get it?" the man with the normal head asked.
"Yes" the orange-headed man replied. " As I used to be single, I then asked for a beautiful, kind woman who`d like to be my wife and that happened too"
"Goodness" the normal man says "...But what on earth did you ask for on your last wish?"
" Isn`t it obvious" said orange-head. " I wished I had an orange for a head"

short...but good

1 .Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.....

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer for me please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.....

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either......

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.....

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why?? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin......

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any...

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.....

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.....

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh....

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A man runs into a fish-sellers shop with a carp under his arm.
" Do you sell fishcakes?" he asks.
"Why, yes sir we certainly do" the fish seller replies.
"Oh great " says the man, looking down at his carp, "Because it`s his birthday"

"Get an ugly girl to marry you."

If you marry a good looking, sexy, young lass and she takes off with the neighbor, you'll fret about it for the rest of your life. Marry an ugly girl and if she leaves... who cares!

Sorry! That's not nice at all. I married a beautiful young lady just over 38 years ago and she has stayed by me through thick and thin. And has really become more beautiful as the years have gone by! (No she isn't looking over my shoulder as I write this.)

A little old lady answers a knock at the door, where a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner greets her.
"Good morning" he says " If I could have two minutes of your time, I shall demonstrate the latest in high-powered suction"
"Go away" says the old lady, moving to close the door " I haven`t got any money, none at all "
Quick as a flash, the salesman wedges his foot in, and opens the door.
"Now don`t be too hasty, madam" he pleads "At least see my demonstration!". And with that he empties a bucket of rotten mushrooms, dead insects and rotten potato peelings all over her carpet." If this carpet cleaner doesn`t remove all traces of this rubbish from your carpet, I`ll eat the remainder.
"Then I hope you`ve a good appetite" says the woman " The electricity was cut off this morning "

3 guys walk into a bar...

a priest, a minister and a rabbi



the bartender says to them









"What is this, some sort of JOKE ??"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?







He stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

...been chillin`...sipping on a bud Anyhow...


Enid sat at her husband`s hospital bedside, watching him slowly regain consciousness as the effects of a particularly powerful anaesthetic wore off. Slowly the man`s eyes fluttered open, and seeing his wife`s anxious face looming over him, he murmured, " You`re beautiful."
An hour later the man`s eyes once again opened, and he said,"You look nice."
" What happened to beautiful then ?" Enid enquired.
"The drugs are wearing off " came the frail reply.

Where do sheep go to get a haircut?

The baa baa shop!

See what happens when you spend too much time on the internet during a school week! The sheep joke was from my son.