golfrewind.com

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that
your husband?" "Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf
club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts
her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know,
five, six, maybe seven times...just put me down for a five."

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a
good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.

Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even.
The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par.
The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.
Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."

More jokes please! :p

The Washington Post's yearly contest where readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for various words -- and the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer
shorts.

A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep up in the Flathead Valley of Montana.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock.)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief.)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down Often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."

That's too funny!

that's what can happen when you forget Valentine's day, anniversary's, etc.

stag

keepem comin boomer a little indian lingo there

It's a wife's job to listen to her husband. There was a man who had worked
all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it
came to his money. He loved money more than just aboutanything, and just
before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you
to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take
my
money to the afterlife. So he got his wife to promise him with all her
heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with
him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was
sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the
wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came
over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her
friend
said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money inthe
casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with
him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."

you know, I know i don't get credit for all these posts, but i do feel that since i am basically in charge of levity......


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and the
one blonde says to the other. What do you think is farther ......... Florida
or the moon......the other blonde turns and says Helloooooooooooooooooooo....
Can u see Florida ?

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way....
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking
for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no
haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can
get
a pair of shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly,
knowing
smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The
blonde
turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch
herself an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he
spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning
speed, she takes aim, kills the creature, and, with a great deal of
effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several
more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and
watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles
and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and
screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "****, this one is
barefoot, too!"

Now finally - The Truly Useful Golf Book. It includes the following
chapters:

* How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

* How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee

* How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

* How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

* When to Give the Ranger the Finger

* Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

* Crying and How to Handle it

* Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10am

* How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

* How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

* Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

* How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed

* How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

* When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent


I understand that they are working on the sequel "When to Re-grip Your
Ball Retriever"

Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say:

"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."

Duct tape won't fix that.

Come to think of it I'll have a Heineken.

We don't keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

You can't feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We're vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?

Who's Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She's too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

I don't have a favorite college team.

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Elvis who?

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandsons
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything
about
this rod and reel?
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
"That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who passed gas. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
she was only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog,and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."