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Sorry Boomer....but I'm still laughing at the taliking animals joke! Keep 'em coming!

In my hand I hold a ball....
white and dimpled, rather small....

Oh , how bland it does appear....
this harmless looking little sphere....

By its size I could not guess....
the awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell beneath its spell....
I've wandered through the fires of ****....

My life has not been quite the same....
Since I chose to play this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hours on end...
A fortune it has made me spend....

It has made me swear and yell and cry....
I hate myself and want to die....

It promises a thing called par....
If I can hit straight and far....

To master such a tiny ball....
should not be very hard at all .

But my desires the ball refuses....
and does exactly like it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies....
and even disappears before my eyes....

Often it will take a whim....
to hit a tree or take a swim...

With miles of grass on which to land....
it finds a tiny patch of sand....

Then has me offering up my soul....
if only it would find the hole....

It's made me whimper like a pup....
and swear that I will give it up....

And take a drink to ease my sorrow....
but the ball knows.....

I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing
butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in
deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror
comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a
fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine."

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the poodle sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and,
just when they get close enough to hear him, the poodle says - "Where's that
stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

guess my other joke was a bid to sexy got edited out heres another

Noah in 2005
It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says:

"In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water
until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth swelled with huge waves

The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out onstrike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filedwith the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has "
__________________

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.

Amazed, the friend says, "Wow that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," the man says.

"Somersaults!" the friend exclaims. "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"It depends on how hard I kick him."