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Can someone give me advice on how to survive golf with a type A husband who gets in a bad mood and snipes at me on course whenever he is not having a good round? I keep hoping that his control over his emotions will improve --well at least he is not throwing clubs anymore! He seems to think his intenseness on the course is his business and has nothing to do with me. Playing partners always ask me if he is always like that -- so intense and sullen.
Maybe that's why its called "divorce golf."

I might mention that the more intense he gets, usually the worse he plays.

I'm thinking a 9 iron would do!!!!.....

It sounds like it doesn't have a whole lot to do with you. Some people are just like that and don't realize that it ruins the fun for everyone else. Although he probably wouldn't listen to you, maybe have one of the other playing partners let him know that it's no fun playing with him when he is like that.

Tell him you won't go with him if he's going to continue to act like that. I'm not sure what the point of playing is if it just makes him miserable.

Thanks guys -- I agree with all of your comments. I still have to try that 9-iron, LOL!!
Because golf is golf --- I can never predict or prepare myself for his mood. The bad behavior intensifies if he is not playing well on any given day and not playing to his handicap. I wish others would say something to him. Usually, they just acknowledge his behavior to me, which makes me feel worse. I am so sick of the excuse "that's just how I am, an intense guy!" Sounds like a rationalization to me.

I don't buy it. I am about as intense and competiive as they come. I get mad when I hit bad shots, but I don't say anything or throw stuff. I fume quietly I just have a feeling your husband doesn't realize how it affects the others. That's why they should speak up. Next time they say something to you, ask them if they would mention it to your husband. If he is a reasonable person at all, he will probably clam up and keep his frustration to himself.

Take along a camcorder, under the guise of wanting to see how your swing and his swing look...then secretly capture some of his more immature or crab-a** moments. Later when you play them back to "learn about your swing", maybe he'll see how his temper affects everyone else...

Of course if he has a temper you are just tempting it at that point...

nothing like adding fuel to the fire eh?

It's a golf shot. That's it. He is an adult, he can change his behavior if he chooses to. It can't be any fun for you playing with someone like that. I've played with people like that and just ignore them...but I'm not married to them. God knows we have all been frustrated on the golf course...I'm near the top of the list.

Perhaps you could gently suggest that he either tone it down or find another playing partner? "That's the way I am" is not an excuse. I played with a couple today. She was a great golfer, he was not. He handled himself wonderfully and laughed a lot and sprayed the ball all over the place.

A swift kick to the testicles should do it.

but really, you could try to talk to him about it when he's not in a bad mood?

Show him this thread.

It's really revealing to see how someone acts on a golf course. I tell friends who start acting like sulking children "Look, don't ruin my round. You can either stop it or walk over there". I don't act like that and don't expect anyone else to.

Maybe don't play with him for a while, and if he asks why tell him the truth.

Maybe you should play a few rounds with a handsome, young golfer that knows how to keep his emotions in check? ....but the 9 iron was a decent idea as well.

No matter what you say to him, he won't take your word for it, you are his beloved wife, not his golf coach. He needs a mental game lesson with a professional golfer. I am not a pro, but I'll share with you why you are wasting your breath, and paying for a mental game lesson is worth the money.

I TOTALLY understand.

I was that person. The harder I tried, the worse it got. The fact that I could play well sometimes, just made the bad rounds that much worse.

I would just about kill to go back 20 years and have someone I trusted tell me what turned me around recently.

Anger kills your body's ability to hit the ball. Trying too hard does the exact same thing: forcing your body to do what it could do on it's own if you let it. Yes, sometimes when angry you can hit a good shot--which produces more anger because you know you were capable of it all those times before that good shot, and you did not do it.

And now comes the really bitter medicine.

Your breathing and your heart rate are the controls. He is probably right--he just cannot control his emotions over it. Been there, done that, thank you very much . But he can learn to control his breathing and his heart rate, which will force him into a passive anger that he can manage.

It sounds backwards, I know. It should be "let go of your anger and your breathing, heart, and muscles will do their job." But in hotheads like me, it was the other way around, because letting go of my unquenchable fire to play well was impossible.

When he's not playing well, he cannot will himself to play better. I tried for 30 years. But when he's playing less than well, he can get better by getting his head right, which is attached to his lungs and his heart.

I came to this revelation when I finally admitted to myself that many of my better, not best, but better rounds were on courses I'd never seen before, or when I'd been laying off awhile and had not played. Why?

Because I walked on the course expecting nothing of myself. I put no pressure on myself to play well because I had a reason to give myself a break: new course, or no practice. When a shot went awry, I did not get angry because of one of those two reasons, and I was able to put it behind me.

One of the best rounds of my life I barely remember because I was focused on helping my wife, who was just learning the game. I finished plus four that day, the only shot I remember to this day was the one that took me from even to plus two.

The last three times I played new courses, I shot my handicap or near it on every one. Because I let myself.

I don't know if I would have been able to accept this twenty years ago. But I know it now.